Grieve Leave Community Blog: Pet Grief feat. Pancake the Bearded Dragon

My love for reptiles initially developed in my early twenties, and I had always thought about a bearded dragon, but never seriously considered it. I remember in January of 2020, my boyfriend at the time mentioned to me that his aunt had a bearded dragon that needed rehoming. Apparently they had bought him for her kids when he was a wee little dragon, but unfortunately as he got bigger, the kids started getting scared of him. He was left alone in his cage, never handled, just fed, for years.

I LATCHED onto this dragon before even laying eyes on him. I hounded my boyfriend for weeks about the dragon, asking him WHEN I could adopt him. I spent hours and hours online doing research on bearded dragon tank requirements, dietary needs, supplements, etc.), and definitely dropped a pretty penny in Petco getting all the supplies ready for him.

A month or so later I got him. When he got to my house, I immediately held him. I read online that dragons that haven’t been handled for a while can have a difficult temperament and might bite. I didn’t care. I wasn’t afraid of him. I knew I loved him and I knew he was gonna love me. Thankfully he was extremely chill and tolerated my forced love.

After I rescued him, I took him to the vet for an initial checkup (he had NEVER gone before), and we found out the poor dude was malnourished, missing teeth, and had a fungal infection.

I knew since then that this sweet boy needed to be spoiled as much as possible, to make up for lost time.

Initially when I got Pancake, I definitely felt isolated and to be honest, a little judged. Many people were weirded out/scared of him. But I loved him and I knew he was capable of love, and I was intent on showing people that. I posted him like crazy on Instagram- I was obsessed with him! I had also bought one of those bubble backpacks used for transporting cats, and instead used it for Pancake, and that’s when the fun truly started. We went hiking together, went to museums, farmers market, the beach, breweries with friends, Target, etc. Where I went, he went. I would also have countless random people come up to me whilst we were out and about, asking to see the “iguana in the backpack”. I was happy to take him out and show him off, even encouraging onlookers to pet him

I think over time, because I treated Pancake like a “normal person”, a lot of people got to know and love him, and that’s all I wanted! He wasn’t scary at all, just had a brain the size of a peanut.

Despite our time together, I knew his history of being neglected would probably affect his lifespan. A few months before he passed, I noticed he stopped eating, and slept more. We had been through so much together, it was so hard to come to terms with the fact that my sweet boy was actually mortal.
I knew it was inevitable, but as it is with every pet parent, you want them to live forever. When he passed I was upset, but being able to grieve the end of his life during his last few months, helped me to come to terms with it.

People often think that when someone loses an “unusual” pet, it must feel especially lonely and isolating; but when Pancake died, I didn’t really feel isolated. Pancake was my regular. He was part of my daily routine, my life, and my heart, just like any dog or cat would be for someone else.

Many people have asked me if Pancake had emotions, or if he loved me. It’s hard to humanize or believe that bearded dragons have emotions. I mean, scientifically, their brains are not hard wired to develop emotions the same way dogs and cats do. They can’t really “show” you their love.

But I knew Pancake loved me. He didn’t necessarily “show” it in a way that one would expect to see in a dog, but I could see it. I could see it when he ran to the front of his tank when he saw I was home. I could see it when we would sit together and he’d crawl closer to me and fall asleep. I could see it when he let me mess with him and he never once bit me or hissed at me. Love was there. And that is why I loved him so much, because I knew he loved me too. 

So when he died, I grieved him the way any pet parent would grieve their best friend. Not because he was a bearded dragon, or despite it – but because he was mine. Pancake may not have wagged a tail or licked my face, but the bond we shared was just as real, just as deep, and just as worthy of grieving. Grief doesn’t measure the kind of pet you lose – it measures the love you had. And I loved him with everything I had. 

-Samantha Ward