I Tried Sobriety to Support My Partner — Here's What I Learned

Yes, it’s a great story I told myself (and other people). When my partner decided to stop drinking, why shouldn’t I make the same commitment? It was the right thing to do, and sounded so very honourable of me. In the back of my mind though, was also quite patronising thought - how hard could this really be? So, I went into that new year alcohol-free…and over-confident. 

I had already spent plenty of time sober at parties during my college years in the US, when I was president of my sorority (a kind of student-led social organisation that's a big part of American university life, often involved in throwing parties and running community events). I took my legal responsibilities very seriously - in the States, sorority and fraternity leaders can actually be held liable if someone drinks too much at one of their events and something goes wrong. I was absolutely terrified of someone ending up with alcohol poisoning or worse, and me getting sued. So I was on high alert all the time. I was the one gently telling women and their dates that they’d been “over-served” and needed to head home. I’d call them cabs (this was way before Uber existed) and drive them back to their dorms or apartments at the end of the night. It was during those years that I first learned how to be sober on a dance floor, surrounded by people completely hammered and trying to pressure me into "just one little sip" - because no one would notice. But I didn’t budge. I was being so very responsible!

I was cool about it though. I vividly remember giving a speech to the whole Chapter (that’s what we called our group of 120+ sorority members) back on campus after we’d been hit with a lifetime ban from an event venue following one of our formal parties. I stood up and said something along the lines of, “If you’re going to sneak in alcohol somewhere, could you at least be a bit more subtle about it?” I was half-joking, but I genuinely meant it - people had left entire empty glass bottles (like big spirits bottles, often called "handles" in the US) under the tablecloths, where they were immediately found by staff. Not exactly inconspicuous.

It turns out that my experience as a newly sober 31 year old woman was entirely different than my college experience. I didn’t feel cool or responsible, at all. 

Firstly, I faced bulls**t comments over and over and over again asking if I was pregnant. In particular, I recall one work dinner where I turned down a wine pour. I was already nervous saying no in front of an entire table of people with glasses getting poured in sequence. My polite "none for me, thanks" apparently was a loudspeaker echoing off the walls.  A colleague of mine said, "Oh, do you have something to tell us?" motioning to her imaginary pregnant belly. "Nope," I said, as I poked at my caesar salad, my entire face red hot. I couldn't focus for the rest of the night, her belly rub replaying in my mind.

I also felt like I was disappointing my friends when I wasn't drinking. I remember feeling guilty and left out of the fun at a bachelorette party, for example. My friends were confused - I had always joined them before. “Are you okay?” they wanted to know. I blamed my not drinking on my partner - that I wanted to support him, or, moreover, that I was doing him a solid by not drinking, too. 

While my sobriety ended when that partner and I ended our relationship, that experience gave me empathy for anyone choosing to be sober in a world full of drinking. It made me confront my own relationship with alcohol and I really felt that social pressure that I had dismissed in the first place.  

Here are a few things that I would’ve never even considered before my own experience, that are now standard practice for me: 

- I don’t ask why someone is not drinking. 
- I don't make pregnancy jokes.
- I don’t pressure anyone to drink if they turn it down. 
- In situations where other people are pressuring a person to drink, I say “no, they don't have to,” and I say it loudly. 
- I think about what non-alcoholic beverages I have available for people at parties, other than water. 
- I try not to complain about an event that's alcohol-free.  
- (Also: when I started dating again, I was open to dating people who were sober.) 

Today, I want to say that I am 100% comfortable all the time when I choose not to drink at a given event...but it’s a little more nuanced than that. Now, I give myself permission to feel awkward sometimes. I give myself grace, even though I recognize that my value in a social setting has absolutely nothing to do with whether or not I'm drinking. Not drinking isn't a walk in the park, especially when you're surrounded by people who are.

So, if you see someone at a party with a water in hand, maybe don’t assume they’re boring. Maybe they’re sober forever. Maybe they’re just trying it on for size because their partner is, too. Maybe it’s none of your business. Let’s let people opt out of alcohol out of the blue without making it weird. And if you're the one not drinking? You’re not alone, it’s ok if you do feel weird, but you sure as hell don’t owe anyone an explanation. Cheers (or not) to that.