Those "Small" Losses Actually Aren't Small, At All

We grieve all kinds of change, and we don’t have to feel silly about that

Your favorite person at work just got a new job across the country. The group chat that used to buzz every five minutes is down to birthday messages, only. You miss your ex’s mom…or you even miss spending time with your son’s ex-girlfriend.

What if I told you that each of those is a loss that you deserve to grieve? Maybe you just had a funky reaction to that idea – maybe it feels like your loss isn’t “big” enough to feel grief about. And maybe, until right now, you’ve never even thought of it as a loss, really. 

When I founded the Grieve Leave community after the deaths of both of my parents by the time I was 30, it was because I had started to realize that I was feeling grief about all kinds of losses–  and, sometimes, I felt shame about that: was this seemingly small thing, a break up, for example, really worth feeling upset about? After all, I’d been through so much worse, and I know other people had it worse, still, than I did. 

Here’s what I’ve learned: the word “grief” isn’t only reserved for the death of someone we care about. When we apply it to losses more broadly, “big” and “small,” it can help us recognize how we feel– and that just might help us feel better. We’re not silly for grieving the small stuff, and we’re not comparing the heaviness of one type of loss over another, or our particular grief over someone else’s. We don’t have to feel guilty for grieving the little losses, too. Grief isn’t a zero sum game– all of our grief can exist at the same time. 

“Little” Ways Grief Can Show Up You Might Not Expect

In College: 

• That last preference round during recruitment
• When your big graduates
• Walking past your old freshman dorm
• A chapter tradition you loved has changed 
• Not getting the officer position you really wanted

After Graduation:

• Long distance friend groups that drift apart
• Moving to a new city and realizing you don’t have friends outside your door anymore
• When everyone else seems to be "figuring it out" faster than you
• Missing the structure and routine of college

And Beyond: 

• That promotion you didn't get, after your boss said you were a shoe-in
• The project you started that didn’t pan out
• When your mentor switches companies
• A coffee shop you loved closed down
• The home you wanted to live in isn’t going to happen
• The moment your dream job stops feeling dreamy 

What Makes These Losses Different

It's not just that they seem “smaller” than other kinds of grief. It's that no one acknowledges them. There's no ritual for "my whole friend group moved to different cities" or "I hate the job I spent four years preparing for."

Instead, we get told: 

• "That's just part of growing up" 
• "Everyone goes through this" 
• "You'll make new friends" 
• "At least you have a job"
• “Cheer up” 
• “It could be so much worse”

The Truth About Grief

These little moments of loss can stack up over time, and suddenly you find yourself feeling a sense of compounded grief you didn’t see coming. Each one might seem small on its own, but together? They're reshaping your whole world. One day you think you’re fine, and the next you're tearing up because you found an old coffee mug from your first job. (It's not about the mug. It was never about the mug.)

What Actually Helps: 

• Naming it as grief: "This sucks and I'm sad about it" 
• Finding people who will just listen, and won't try to fix or minimize it (your sisters are great for this!)
• Accepting that some changes will always feel weird, and you don’t have to pretend they don’t bother you
• Making space for your feelings through physical, creative, or meditative activities
• Giving yourself permission to grieve the small stuff– you’re not weak or selfish for feeling this way

Here's What We Know

These "small" losses shape us just as much as the big ones. They're part of how we learn who we are and what matters to us. And yeah, they hurt. They're supposed to– it’s grief! You're not too sensitive. You're not grieving wrong. You're just being honest about what matters to you– and that’s one of the strongest things you can do.