Your Grief, Your Rules: Approaching Mother's Day on Your Terms

Mother's Day is upon us again. Maybe you're dreading it. Maybe you're looking forward to it. Maybe you have no strong feelings at all. Or maybe your feelings are so mixed up and complicated that you couldn't explain them if you tried.

Whatever you're feeling this year, we've got you. And if you have someone in your life who might be struggling with Mother's Day too, we've got some thoughts on that as well.

The thing about Mother's Day is that it's not just about celebrating moms. It's about our relationships with motherhood itself – the mothers we had, the mothers we are, the mothers we've lost, the mothers we wanted to become, the mothers we never had. That's a lot of emotional territory to cover in one Hallmark holiday.

Here's what we know for sure about grief: it refuses to follow anyone's expectations. We can't predict how someone feels about Mother's Day based on their circumstances. A person whose mom died last year might actually find comfort in the holiday. Someone with a living mother might be dreading the forced celebration. A person navigating infertility might feel completely fine one year and totally blindsided the next.

The most supportive thing we can do – both for ourselves and people we care about – is to toss the rulebook out the window and make space for whatever emotions actually show up, not the ones we think "should" be there.

For Those Supporting Someone Through a Difficult Mother's Day

If someone in your life has experienced loss related to motherhood, here's how to actually show up for them:

Ask, don't assume. Never presume that someone dreads Mother's Day just because they lost their mom, experienced pregnancy loss, or are navigating infertility. Try "How are you feeling about Mother's Day this year?" instead of "I know Sunday is going to be awful for you."

Follow their lead. Some people want to talk about their mom, their pregnancy loss, or their fertility journey in detail. Others would rather discuss literally anything else. 

Get specific with your support. "Let me know if you need anything" is about as helpful as a chocolate teapot. Try: "Would you like company on Sunday, or would you prefer some space?" Then actually listen to their answer.

Make room for the messiness. Someone might feel both grief AND joy on Mother's Day. They might want to celebrate their kids while mourning the one they lost. They might feel relieved their toxic mother is gone AND sad about what could have been. Humans contain multitudes, and grief is rarely just one thing.

Remember that grief plays the long game. Some years might hit harder than others, and not always in the order you'd expect. The third Mother's Day after a loss might hit harder than the first.

If you're looking for what to text someone on Mother's Day (and what messages to stay away from), head over to the Grieve Leave Instagram for examples! 

Navigating Mother's Day for Yourself

If you're approaching Mother's Day with your own complicated feelings, here are some reminders:

Your feelings are valid – whatever they are. You might feel sad, angry, numb, jealous, relieved, joyful – sometimes all within the same hour. There's no "right way" to feel, and you don't need to justify your emotions to anyone.

You don't have to feel bad just because others expect it. Just because you lost your mom doesn't mean you have to hate Mother's Day. Just because you're struggling with fertility doesn't mean you can't celebrate other mothers in your life. Your grief belongs to you, not to others' expectations.

Boundaries still matter. It's okay to mute social media, decline brunch invitations, or tell friends "I'd rather not discuss Mother's Day plans right now." It's also completely okay to fully participate if that feels right to you.

Your needs might change year to year. Maybe last Mother's Day you wanted to be alone with Netflix and ice cream, but this year you crave company. Maybe you thought you'd be fine but woke up feeling unexpectedly raw. Grief isn't linear, and neither are holidays.

Both/and is real. You can both celebrate being a mother AND grieve your own mom. You can both honor your adoptive mom AND feel complicated feelings about your birth mother. You can both appreciate the mother figures in your life AND feel the absence of traditional mothering.

It's Just a Day

Mother's Day is one day on the calendar. One Sunday out of fifty-two.

For some, it's meaningful. For others, it's just another day that happens to have more floral arrangements and restaurant reservations. For many, it's a complicated mix of emotions that doesn't fit into any greeting card.

Whatever Mother's Day means to you this year, we're here for it. If you want to celebrate, go all out. If you want to ignore it completely, we get that too. If you want to sit with your grief, that's entirely valid.

Your feelings about Mother's Day belong to you. Not to Hallmark, not to Instagram, not even to well-meaning friends and family. Just you.