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Finding Community in Loss: Rebecca Soffer on Modern Grief, Dark Humor, and Building Modern Loss

 “I would look around and just be indignant and shocked that anybody could be laughing because my parents were dead.” 

In this episode of Grief'd Up, host Rebecca Feinglos welcomes Rebecca Soffer, co-founder of Modern Loss and author of "The Modern Loss Handbook." Rebecca Soffer shares her journey of losing both parents by age 33, her mother, Shelby, in a sudden car accident when Rebecca Soffer was 30, and her father, Ray, to a heart attack four years later.

Soffer was working as a producer on The Colbert Report when her mother died on Labor Day, hours after dropping her off in New York following their annual camping trip to Lake George. She describes sinking to the hospital linoleum floor when she learned the news, her body not knowing whether to cry, scream, or feel numb. Four years later, newly married for barely a year, her father died suddenly of a heart attack while traveling abroad.

As she searched for grief resources, Soffer found only content with "heavy filters,” overly clinical, heavily religious, or wrapped in silver linings. In 2013, she co-founded Modern Loss with journalist Gabrielle Birkner to create the community and publication they both desperately needed. This conversation explores how humor and grief can't be separated, why working in political satire taught her to convey hard truths without traumatizing people, and how our collective embrace of dark humor reflects a desperate need for authentic spaces to process loss.

Soffer shares unforgettable moments from her grief: returning to the funeral home with the correct shade of Clinique lipstick because her mother "was not a coral person," receiving an email from her mom months after her death, and the complicated relief of being "ahead" in grief while watching friends navigate their aging parents. She offers wisdom on maintaining community while grieving, setting boundaries as everyone's default "grief doula," and her one rule: as long as you're not hurting yourself or anyone else, there are no rules.

Join Rebecca Feinglos and Rebecca Soffer as they discuss sudden loss, the power of storytelling, and why we all need to give each other seven seconds before responding.

Resources:

  • Visit modernloss.com
  • Follow Rebecca Soffer on Instagram: @rebeccasoffer
  • Follow Modern Loss on Instagram: @modernloss
  • Read "The Modern Loss Handbook: An Interactive Guide to Moving Through Grief and Building Your Resilience"

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