From Intern Julia’s Desk: How to Talk to Your Professor About Your Grief

After losing my cousin Zada to suicide in the summer of 2022, I was dreading returning to college for my sophomore year. How was I supposed to return to classes and my friends after the most traumatic event of my life? I was overwhelmed with a sense of guilt for leaving my family in a time of need and afraid that going back to school would feel like “moving on” from my grief. Most of all, I was afraid of taking this one class: The Sociology of Death. I had scheduled this class before she died, and I desperately needed the credit for my minor, and no other classes were open. 

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When the professor published the syllabus, there was a two-week unit on suicide. I was still in the raw and early days of my grief, and there was absolutely no way I could sit through six hours of lecture on a topic that had become my entire world for the last three months. In an attempt to protect my mental health, I reached out to the professor to explain my situation. I told her I just lost my cousin, literally three months ago, and if there was any accommodation she could make for me on this unit, such as recording the lectures so I could rewatch them at my own time, or if I could go to her office hours to talk about the material one-on-one. 

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Her response was not an “I'm so sorry for your loss” or “let’s work on a game plan.” It was: “You shouldn’t be avoiding hard things.” 

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Little did she know that showing up to school was hard. Leaving the house was hard. Not bursting into tears and curling up on the floor was hard. If anything, every day that I got out of bed was an act of bravery. The fact that I was continuing my education in psychology (a major where talking about suicide was inevitable) was brave. 

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I was at a loss for words with that email, and I never responded. It caused me to question if my grief was valid, if I was overreacting, and if I was being too demanding. Somehow, I survived that first semester despite her cold response, and I had to accept that I could not be a stellar student and perform in the ways I was used to. 

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Throughout my undergraduate career, I still had to let my professors know about Zada because when you’re a psychology major, suicide will always be a topic of discussion. I was met with various responses: some like "I'm sorry for your loss; here’s what we can do,” and others who wouldn’t acknowledge that I just disclosed a recent loss, and simply answered with “read the slides posted on Canvas.” 

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I often felt embarrassed, worried that I was coming off too “soft” or “sensitive” and that I would be viewed as a slacker. However, as I have continued to send emails like that, even into my graduate career, it is actually a form of self-advocacy. It’s a form of bravery because continuing your education in the midst of your grief is brave and courageous. 

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My advice to college students: 

If you are a student who is struggling with where to start with emailing your professors about your grief or a recent loss, here are some tips: 

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1. Decide on what you need.

• If you believe that this class won’t bring grief or specific types of death, you may not need to email them if you believe the lecture material won’t trigger you. 
• However, if you know the material is going to be about death or grief in any capacity (textbook, required readings, lectures, etc), it may be worth it to let them know. 
• Then ask yourself: what would be best for my grief? Do you need a heads-up or a schedule for when that topic will be discussed? Can you learn it in a different format (lecture recordings, slides, etc)? Do you need an extension? 
• Make your request clear but also reasonable. 
• Some professors might not have alternative material available or be able to record lectures, so it might be best to ask for extensions on assignments around that topic. 
• Assess the attendance policy and how many absences you can have. If they grant some unexcused absences, you can plan ahead to miss those lectures. 
• Lastly, some universities may offer bereavement leave for students, which can excuse you from classes for a certain number of days and provide you with certain documentation that you can present to your professors. 

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2. Talk to them at an appropriate time.

• Professors will often be overwhelmed before a class or have to rush to the next class. Find out when their office hours are, or email to ask about a time to meet, so that you get their full attention. 
• If your loss comes suddenly and requires you to travel for a funeral or for a couple of days, an email will be the easiest. 
• Also, make sure you’ve reviewed the syllabus beforehand and are aware of the schedule, so you avoid asking them, “Let me know what I missed.”

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3. You don’t owe them the full story.

• Just because you are asking for certain accommodations doesn’t mean you are entitled to the full story about your loved one’s death or your grief. It's okay to be vague and to avoid descriptors if that is what makes you feel comfortable. I often said, “I lost a family member to suicide” or “I recently went through a suicide loss.” 

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My advice to professors: 

If you are a college professor who doesn’t know where to start in responding to a student’s email about their grief or a recent loss, here are some thoughts on what the professors did who stood out to me:

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1. They humanized me.

• If a professor started an email with "I'm sorry for your loss,” it showed me that they acknowledged my vulnerability and cared about me beyond my grade and performance in class. This phrase is so simple and yet so powerful because it doesn’t offer any unnecessary advice or judgment (like “you shouldn’t avoid hard things”), but it is an easy way to show sympathy and compassion. 

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2. They were responsive.

• There were times I wrote the perfect email that I spent weeks obsessing over, and I didn’t even receive a response. A professor who is responsive to the best of their abilities or is consistent with holding office hours makes it easier for me to approach them. It allows me to know I have their attention and that their door is open. 

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3. They made the material readily available.

• Having an up-to-date schedule of the material and ways to access recorded lectures or slides allowed me to have the comfort of knowing that I could always revisit this material on my own time. 
• It makes it easier to ask for accommodations, such as “I know this assignment around our suicide unit is due next week, but can I have an extension?” It has also allowed me to mentally prepare myself for lectures I know I can’t skip and helps me plan if I need to schedule an extra therapy appointment or attend a grief group that week. 

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We turned to our Grieve Leave community to ask you: “How did you approach your professor or teacher about a death or illness in your family? How did they respond?”

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Here are some of your stories: 

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"When my dad passed away, in my junior year of college, I emailed my professors. I missed 2 weeks of school, and they were all understanding; however, they weren't empathetic. I struggled in all of my classes the rest of the year, and it was definitely a "don't talk about it" situation, even though I didn't want it to be. I did have a professor who was empathetic and extended support to me throughout the rest of my undergrad! I still keep in touch with him :)."

• Bethany

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“I had a classmate who lost his dad unexpectedly and missed an arbitrary deadline (like the draft of a draft of a draft that was due), and the professor made him graduate a semester late because of it."

• Laura

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“I taught first-year writing, largely a freshman class, at a large college. I had a student approach me to tell me that his father passed away suddenly — he needed to miss class to go home for the funeral. My class was required to have an attendance policy; I told him it did not apply to him anymore as long as he communicated with me. Obviously, this applied to the funeral, but I told him that if he just had a bad grief day, he could skip my class. I also gave him pretty much total flexibility on deadlines — I told him, as long as he did the work eventually, that’s fine. It’s a college course. That was his DAD. I’ll never forget the look on his face when I told him that his loss was so much bigger than my class — so many of his other professors were not sympathetic."

• Anonymous

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“As a teacher, whenever a student comes to me about a grief they are experiencing, I do my best to empathize. I tell students to take their time and let me know how I can support them. I also write a quick card (which I encourage all teachers to have on hand) letting them know that it's okay to feel and grieve however works best for them. It's another way I show that I'm human and I see their humanness, too."

• Maddie 

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In writing and researching this blog post, I began to feel hope about the goodness in professors and how others have seen kindness and grace in the classroom. At the same time, I can recognize how much more work we need to do around how grief exists in an academic setting. It was an honor to finish off my internship by writing about two things I am passionate about: academics and grief. I hope to take the community’s stories with me as I continue to grieve. 

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