It’s Time We Acknowledged That We Grieve Divorce, Too

Oona Metz, LICSW is a therapist and author near Boston, MA, where she leads support groups for women navigating divorce. She is the author of Unhitched: The Essential Divorce Guide for Women.

Often referred to as an ambiguous loss, the end of a marriage may look and feel similar to losing a loved one to death. Divorce signals the death of a marriage, and while your former spouse will remain living, the relationship you once had will be changed forever. Processing the end of your marriage and all the associated losses is a vital part of your healing journey.

When a married person dies, friends and family gather to support their grieving spouse. We have well-developed traditions in place that provide immediate community and emotional support for those who are grieving. Loved ones gather for the funeral, send flowers, and bring lasagnas. No one blames, stigmatizes, or questions the grieving widow. We need to start doing the same for people when their marriage ends.

There are many similarities between grieving widows and women navigating divorce. Both groups report feeling sad, lonely, overwhelmed, worried, upset, angry, and confused. Many widows experience a sense of relief when their spouse dies, especially if the death follows a long illness. Likewise, many divorced women are relieved when the legal process gets finalized, even when the divorce was not their choice.

The one major area where divorced women's and widows’ feelings tend to differ is shame. It’s much more common for women going through divorce to feel shame and stigma. We have lasting traditions and lucrative businesses that support the wedding industry. Getting and staying married is still considered a worthy and valued goal in our society, even when the marriage is unhealthy.

Ending a marriage can feel like a personal failure, something to be ashamed of, even when it’s a necessary and healthy change. Our society has yet to develop communal traditions to support people navigating divorce, even though nearly half of marriages end in divorce. We need to keep speaking up in authentic ways about divorce and change the language and attitudes around it. I look forward to the time we view the end of a marriage as a life transition or a family restructuring rather than a stigmatizing event.

Many of the women in the divorce support groups I lead celebrate the finalization of their divorce with a party, a special trip, or the purchase of a new piece of jewelry. In the last few years, divorce registries have become more common and offer a way for people to receive support like they would if they were getting married or having a baby. Check out Fresh Starts Registry if you want to create a registry of your own.

Divorce, like death, is a major life transition that should be treated with compassion and care rather than judgment and avoidance. The next time you have a friend who’s navigating a divorce, bring her a baked lasagna and a bouquet of flowers. She deserves it. And so do you.